Are you a real fan?

Ever wondered how truly committed you are to your favourite team? Does the thought that somebody, somewhere, is a bigger fan than you keep you awake at night? Worried that you are too upper class to support your local team? Well fear not, because There’s Always Next Year has brought you this fun questionnaire which will tell you exactly how much of a nutter you are!! Simply read the questions and answer them A, B, C, or D; keep a record of your score and scroll to the bottom to find your TANY Commitment Rating!! Click and see who has the bragging rights amongst your friends!!

Question 1. There is an away match on a cold Tuesday night almost 300 miles away and you don’t have a lift. Do you:

  • a) Buy a return ticket on the train, money is no obstacle to your fanatascism.
  • b) Ask around your friends or on a forum if there’s a lift going spare, might as well try and make the match.
  • c) Content yourself by listening to the radio coverage or following the BBC live text service.
  • d) Get your butler to read the result in the following days Telegraph.

Question 2. Your brother is getting married, he wants you to be the best man, but a vital playoff semi-final involving your team is being held the same day. Do you;

  • a) Sack your brother off and enjoy the footy. You didn’t get your team’s crest tattooed on your face for no reason.
  • b) Try and persuade your brother to have the wedding a different day. If he doesn’t budge, persuade him to have the wedding at the ground of your team.
  • c) Get your mate Barry to keep you updated via text with the scoreline. Try not to scream during the service.
  • d) Offer to fly the whole wedding party on your private jet to Barbados. Leave footy til you get back.

Question 3. Your team has been relegated on the final day of the season. Do you:

  • a) Kill yourself. Life in a lower league is not worth living.
  • b) Write a poem entitled “That Fateful Day” bemoaning the lack of striking options on the bench via the medium of haiku.
  • c) Tell yourself that next season will be a cakewalk and that promotion is ahead.
  • d) Ask your great uncle Tarquin if you can go hunting next week.

Question 4. Your team gets to the final of a cup. To celebrate the day, do you:

  • a) Spray paint your child in your team’s colours and parade him around on a stick, calling him “Our Lucky Mascot”.
  • b) Nothing too fancy. Buy a scarf or a silly wig.
  • c) Go to the match. Don’t buy a programme, those Wembley bastards rip you off.
  • d) Pay for a ticket in the executive box then spend an hour and half talking to Trevor Brooking about holiday homes.

Question 5. Your club announces that season tickets have gone up in price by 25%. Do you:

  • a) Sell your mother to pay for that ticket in your home end.
  • b) Grudgingly pay for your season ticket, but at the same time join your Supporter’s Trust who’ll campaign for an end to the price rises.
  • c) Pick and choose your matches for the next year. Try and get to at least eight.
  • d) Get one, never use it, but mention the fact that you’re a “real soccer fan” whenever the topic comes up at a dinner party or social function.

Question 6. An Arabian consortium has bought your club and promised to win the league in the next two years. Do you:

  • a) Legally change your name to “Mahmood al-Smith”, wear a tea-towel on your head (even in bed) and start visiting your local mosque.
  • b) Jump for joy at first, but then secretly fear the consortium could ruin your “traditions”. Join the supporter’s trust.
  • c) Await the arrival of Cristiano Ronaldo with mild excitement.
  • d) Invite the Abu-Dhabi consortium to dinner. Jolly good fellows those Arabs.

Question 7. Finally, you are at an away match when suddenly the police start arresting people with batons. Do you:

  • a) Smash a bottle over PC Plod’s head and punch the police horse square on the nose. Why can’t they leave these youth alone?
  • b) Carry on chanting for your team, the lads need the support.
  • c) Quietly leave the ground. It’s not worth it.
  • d) Mention the fact that your father is good friends with Prince Andrew.

Okay, once you have completed the questionnaire and kept a record of your score, simply look below to find out your TANY Commitment Rating!!!!! Remember people, this is a scientifically and dermatologically tested questionnaire; the answer will be accurate.

Mostly A’s: You are a die-hard fan. You gave up your job to follow your team’s reserve side. You have no life outside of football. You have no friends. You know all of the current squad’s birthdays, and sometimes send them cards. The kitman sometimes recognises you in the crowd.

Mostly B’s: You are a very keen follower, but not to the extreme. You try to get to as many games as possible but accept there is life outside of football. You occasionally feel guilty when you miss a Johnstone’s Paint Trophy tie.

Mostly C’s: You make most home matches, but never away games. You sometimes get the name of your left-back wrong. You’ve never sung. You don’t know what happened in ’65.

Mostly D’s: You barely ever watch your team, but sometimes claim them as your own to seem “down to earth”. You don’t know the offside rule. You don’t know who the manager is. You don’t know what happened in ’05, never mind ’65. You are Major James Hewitt.

Next week in TANY; “Are You a Racist?”, another fun questionnaire to tell your friends about!!

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